Moving on

So, we’ve taken a break from this blog and moved on to Tumblr, which is an awesome place to hang out. But don’t worry, the dudes of Hollywood will keep getting makeovers here:

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Drinking Game: Gossip Girl Edition

We decided to combine our love for wine (which is endless) with our love for Gossip Girl (which is Chucktastic) and turn the wine + GG experience into a drinking game for one of the rare occasions when rules and alcohol do mix.

  • Drink when Blair leaves the room in a huff.
  • Drink when Dan thinks he’s better than everyone else.
  • Drink when Little J is being whiney and ungrateful.
  • Drink when Nate changes his facial expression.
  • Drink when anybody is behaving inappropriately.
  • Drink when Serena’s skirt is too short/top is too low (drink twice if she is at a family event).
  • Drink when Rufus is wearing a plaid/denim shirt.
  • Drink when Eric’s homosexuality is randomly brought up/used as a plot device.
  • Drink when Dan name drops.
  • Drink twice when Serena surprises you with how modest her outfit is.
  • Drink when Serena wears a catsuit.
  • Drink when you’re not quite sure how Little J gets away with the alterations she’s made to her school uniform.
  • Drink when Blair cries.
  • Drink when Lily mentions her misspent youth.
  • Drink when Chuck is hot

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Sweet Valley High

I loved Sweet Valley High. I read all of them. I read Sweet Valley Kids, I read the special editions where they traced the family histories of selected characters, I watched the show- I was a major fan. Now, my beloved books are going to be turned into a movie, with none other than Ms. Diablo Cody behind the wheel.

A quick character recap: Jessica & Elizabeth Wakefield are twins, Jessica is the badass and Elizabeth is the nerd. Jessica’s BFF is Lila Fowler, who is super rich, super hot and super snotty. Elizabeth has her own BFF, equally (if not more so) nerdy Enid Rollins. While Jessica isn’t the type of girl to settle down, Elizabeth is and has an on-off boyfriend, the nice guy Todd Wilkins. Every town has a bad boy, and this one happens to be the rich and rebellious Bruce Patman. Another standard is a class clown, and Sweet Valley’s is Winston Egbert, the dorky yet sweet guy.  Sweet Valley Unlimited has a scary amount more information.

I miss the show, I looked up the Daniel twins to see what they are up to now.  Cynthia, who played Elizabeth, seems to have given up acting and is now a photographer.  Brittany however, is still acting. She’s been in a few screamers, worked with the Wayans brothers, but my favorite has got to be her role as Carmen, a transexual, who has a fling with Mac on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Some fascinating trivia: according to their bios on IMDB, Cynthia was more like Jessica and Brittany was more like Elizabeth.

If you feel that you are now ready for the movie, make sure by taking the SVH quiz.

I am personally waiting for this to turn into a trend, so that we’ll get a Baby-Sitters Club movie and a new Nancy Drew movie, where Nancy gets to be a badass sleuth instead of some wholesome know it all. Maybe she could move to the town of Neptune, have Veronica Mars as her sensei and give me some fucking closure. I would watch the shit out of those movies. And Goosebumps! I believe there was a show based on the books, but let’s get a summer blockbuster or a series of straight-to-DVD slashers.

And also, if Diablo Cody has some trouble deciding on who to cast, here is a helpful back-up plan:

SVH Casting Call: Crazy for Cocopuffs Edition

Jessica Wakefield   Elizabeth Wakefield


   Lindsay Lohan        Lindsay Lohan

Lila Fowler                     Enid Rollins              Todd Wilkins      Bruce Patman


Tila Tequila                   Tyra Banks                 Samantha Ronson    Spencer Pratt



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Nice wig, Janice! What’s it made of?

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Ladies of SNL

Saturday Night Live has been around for 35 years now, and many brilliant comedians have gotten their start as a cast member on the show. These are just a few of the women that we admire and look up that have been on SNL, and just to make things a bit simpler, I have chosen women from the last couple of years. So, this is in no way a post about the only funny women on SNL, but some of the latest ones.


Tina, Tina, Tina, where do I begin? Anybody who has ever come near me knows that I worship the ground that this lady walks on. And I have to focus on the fact that this is an SNL post, not a 30 Rock post or a Mean Girls post (BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU TINA). One of her most famous parts on SNL is probably when she plays Sarah Palin. She not only looks just like her, but she really gets that hateful essence that Palin possesses as well. She was the first female head writer on SNL, and she was brilliant as an anchor on Weekend Update. Hers is the career I covet, and for her sake I hope I never meet her because I would probably try to fuse our bodies together.

Bitch IS the new black.

Ms. Wiig is the expert on awkward characters. One of the most annoying ones is Penelope, who has to have the last word and has to out do anybody. If she wrote this post, she would have written it yesterday, on a computer that hasn’t even been built yet and she would have done it from a virtual spaceship in cyber space. One of the most disturbing characters she plays is Junice (a favorite), where she has a massive forehead and baby doll hands. Baby. Doll. Hands. She is also brilliant as Jackie Snadd, half of the country duo that sing about Model-T cars, spaceships, jars of beer and toddlers (<— all the things that make America great).

Whatever her part is, she rocks it with a straight face, but the socially awkward/borderline/possibly from outer space characters are her forté, and we thank her for that.


I love the Dakota Fanning impression that Ms. Poehler does, the skits are built around a talk show that Fanning has where she is über smart, and she keeps talking down to her “regular guy” camera man, Reggie. Another child part she gets is as Rick’s step daughter, which could be the most annoying yet endearing kid in the world. Sometimes, she does an entire sketch on one leg – jealous?  And like Ms.Fey, she was a great anchor for Weekend Update. I love her Sarah Palin rap, she IS an animal and also, bigger than you. Her Hillary is also spot on, she balances the controlled politeness with suppressed, homicidal rage. Well done.

Also, I wish I could go to dinner parties chez Poehler & Arnett. That would be epic.

I think my absolute favorite character that Ms. Rudolph played was as the singer for “Gays in Space”. According to Marple, that is probably what Lady Gaga will turn into in about 10 years, and I have to agree.  She is also brilliant in the sketches where she plays a super trendy art lady, with impossible furniture. Her Donatella Versace impression is ridiculously funny, she does the blissfully unaware of her own weirdness thing really well, and brings it out in other sketches (that mostly depict Europeans).

On her first show, let a “fuck” slip, and then recovered right away. I was impressed, and also became a fan of that particular sketch. I too want to wear cut off jeans and throw ashtrays everywhere. Her character Tina Tina Chenouse sells improved items, such as door bells and car horns featuring her own voice instead of the usual beep (why not, she’s an entrepreneur, whaaa…?). She is also in a lot of digital shorts, my favorite is as Samberg’s girlfriend who tries to convince him that his Dad is actually a phone.

So, in conclusion: SNL women of comedy show? Yes please.

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Gentlemen Broncos was a lovely film.

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Hand me my drink, darling

I got spectacularly drunk this weekend, which in my case means that all of my emotions got amplified and my hand gestures where very flamboyant. This prompted my boyfriend to rename me Joan Collins, and yes, from what I remember, I was Joan Collins drunk. What does that mean, do you ask?  Let me elaborate, and include some more types. I’m nice like that.

Joan Collins Drunk 


You will recognize a Joan Collins by his or her wild arm gestures and high volume. They will be very happy to be intoxicated, finding everything to be delightful and fabulous. And of course, they are completely unaware that they are this drunk, and telling them won’t do any good. There is always a risk that you will get a martini thrown in your face if they are angered. Just make sure they don’t smear their red lipstick, and everything will be fine. 

It Girl Drunk 


The It Girl Drunk will act like Britney circa 2007, or Lindsay Lohan after Mean Girls. They will feel entitled to everything, anything and anyone- so watch out. Material things are both vitally important and completely meaningless at the same time, which means they will laugh at your purse from last season, but they will not care when they spill/vomit/lose their designer shoes/purse/sunglasses/skirt. Also, they have a tendency to wear tights as pants. The horror. 

I’m on Cops Drunk 

(a.k.a Hillbilly Drunk) 

This Drunk is very easy to spot because they might have cameras and cops following them, or are under the illusion that they do. They are probably also on crystal meth and may be wearing overalls or just a massive, stained t-shirt. 

 College Drunk 


This Drunk is easy to spot because they will usually be covered in face/body paint or various fluids. They might also be chanting some sort of team spirit chant (I don’t even know), or claiming that their college “rules”. They will also probably sex, drink and eat anything or anyone for free or for beads. They also come equipped with disposable cups, beer bongs, ping pong rackets and the occasional STD. 

 Sports Drunk 


You will find the Sports Drunk in a venue showing some type of athletic game. Their mood can go from uncontrollable joy (their team is winning) to complete misery mixed with rage (their team is loosing). Punches are known to be thrown at the drop of a hat, so just watch your face and drink as much beer as you can. 


The Drunk Dialer 

This Drunk could be any one of us, as long as there is a phone (or Facebook or email) nearby and we have something or someone on our mind. There are very, very, very few times when this is a good idea. This Drunk should be avoided, whether you are turning into them or they are calling you up. Remember: you have NO obligation to return a drunk dial, that is the only good aspect of it. That and the endless mocking you are entitled to. 

 and finally 

The Intervention Drunk 








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Cranky Cat vs. Dicks on TV

Cranky Cat is Marple’s cat and she thinks that most things are stupid. She glared at us untill we let her have her own post, where she glares and rolls her eyes at things that she finds exceptionally stupid. The nice thing about cranky cat is that she doesn’t have to go into details to justify why she’s pissed off, because she’s just a cat on the internet.

Cranky Cat rolls her eyes at the self-pitying men who made the Dodge commercial that aired during the Superbowl, although it has a brilliant reply.

Cranky Cat also lets out an exasperated sigh because of Manswers.

What is going on? How do commercials like the one for Dodge get on the air? Who let that one go through without saying “Hey wait a minute, maybe this will alienate and condescend AN ENTIRE GENDER”. There cannot be an entire chain of command consisting only of men, there must have been some women involved in this decision. Maybe the didn’t find it offensive, maybe they did but realized that the ad would gather a lot of steam off of angry women of teh internets. Is that ok? Is it a betrayal? I don’t know, mainly because I’m one of the angry women cats.

There are just too many dicks on TV (and sometimes, on the dancefloor).

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Hold Me Closer, Icy Dancer

I am not a “sports person”. At all. I could give a shit about the olympics (YES I SAID IT). But! The figure skating is just awesome. I’ve never been into it before, but consider me a convert. How the fuck do you do that on ice? It’s insane. And you get to wear glitter.

  • Johnny Weir skates to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”

I love the dirty look on his face. But it must be hard not to look like a filthy minx when you’re ice skating in a bodysuit to the Lady herself with millions of people watching.

  • Evgeni Plushenko skates to Tom Jones’ “Sex Bomb”

This man must perform at my future bachelorette’s party. For sure.

  • Evan Lysacek can’t decide what song he wants to skate to


Also, check out Jezebels collection of intense skate faces.

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OH MARIAH! You amuse me. I loved you so much when I was in the third grade, I really did. And I would be lying if I said that one of my favorite moments of all time was when my girlfriends and I all broke out into a BEAUTIFUL rendition of “Without You” over a box of wine. This is my tribute to you, because it’s Saturday and I feel like this weekend I will channel your spirit. So I’ll probably force Marple to drink lots of fake champagne and run on a treadmill in high heels with me.

  • Your album covers are individual works of art, these are my top 5:

  • Lyrics are always important, and while Britney is still the master rhymer (stutter/butter – brilliant), your lyrics are also little gems of joy

“Oh baby I’ve got a dependency
Always strung out for another taste of your honey”

“Lucius delight
When you’re immersed in my ocean of love
Coming on strong
Baby I’ve been waiting so long
Revel inside my paradise”

“I didn’t mean to turn you on
Oh I didn’t mean to turn you on”

“Got you all fired up, with your Napoleon complex,
Seein’ right through you like you’re bathin’ in Windex”

  • SCANDALS! You know them well and share them with the world because you are a true entertainer.

Just appearing in Glitter should count, if you’ve seen it you know why. Then the sexual revolution after you got rid of your controlling husband, Mr. Mottola. You did it before Britney, Christina and Miley (just wait, it’s going to spin out of control). All of your clothing choices speak for themselves. The breakdowns, the fall. And then the return! The new and younger husband, Mr. Nick Cannon that you married ALL OF A SUDDEN! Take the world by storm, cougar lady. And now picking fights with Eminem and going ugly face in Precious. I tip my sparkly hat to you.

  • Finally, your music videos. The outfits. The situations. The supporting characters. The shoes. THE HAIR.




Up Out My Face


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