Tag Archives: Fierce Ladies

Sweet Valley High

I loved Sweet Valley High. I read all of them. I read Sweet Valley Kids, I read the special editions where they traced the family histories of selected characters, I watched the show- I was a major fan. Now, my beloved books are going to be turned into a movie, with none other than Ms. Diablo Cody behind the wheel.

A quick character recap: Jessica & Elizabeth Wakefield are twins, Jessica is the badass and Elizabeth is the nerd. Jessica’s BFF is Lila Fowler, who is super rich, super hot and super snotty. Elizabeth has her own BFF, equally (if not more so) nerdy Enid Rollins. While Jessica isn’t the type of girl to settle down, Elizabeth is and has an on-off boyfriend, the nice guy Todd Wilkins. Every town has a bad boy, and this one happens to be the rich and rebellious Bruce Patman. Another standard is a class clown, and Sweet Valley’s is Winston Egbert, the dorky yet sweet guy.  Sweet Valley Unlimited has a scary amount more information.

I miss the show, I looked up the Daniel twins to see what they are up to now.  Cynthia, who played Elizabeth, seems to have given up acting and is now a photographer.  Brittany however, is still acting. She’s been in a few screamers, worked with the Wayans brothers, but my favorite has got to be her role as Carmen, a transexual, who has a fling with Mac on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Some fascinating trivia: according to their bios on IMDB, Cynthia was more like Jessica and Brittany was more like Elizabeth.

If you feel that you are now ready for the movie, make sure by taking the SVH quiz.

I am personally waiting for this to turn into a trend, so that we’ll get a Baby-Sitters Club movie and a new Nancy Drew movie, where Nancy gets to be a badass sleuth instead of some wholesome know it all. Maybe she could move to the town of Neptune, have Veronica Mars as her sensei and give me some fucking closure. I would watch the shit out of those movies. And Goosebumps! I believe there was a show based on the books, but let’s get a summer blockbuster or a series of straight-to-DVD slashers.

And also, if Diablo Cody has some trouble deciding on who to cast, here is a helpful back-up plan:

SVH Casting Call: Crazy for Cocopuffs Edition

Jessica Wakefield   Elizabeth Wakefield

 

   Lindsay Lohan        Lindsay Lohan

Lila Fowler                     Enid Rollins              Todd Wilkins      Bruce Patman

   

Tila Tequila                   Tyra Banks                 Samantha Ronson    Spencer Pratt

 

 

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Ladies of SNL

Saturday Night Live has been around for 35 years now, and many brilliant comedians have gotten their start as a cast member on the show. These are just a few of the women that we admire and look up that have been on SNL, and just to make things a bit simpler, I have chosen women from the last couple of years. So, this is in no way a post about the only funny women on SNL, but some of the latest ones.

 

Tina, Tina, Tina, where do I begin? Anybody who has ever come near me knows that I worship the ground that this lady walks on. And I have to focus on the fact that this is an SNL post, not a 30 Rock post or a Mean Girls post (BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU TINA). One of her most famous parts on SNL is probably when she plays Sarah Palin. She not only looks just like her, but she really gets that hateful essence that Palin possesses as well. She was the first female head writer on SNL, and she was brilliant as an anchor on Weekend Update. Hers is the career I covet, and for her sake I hope I never meet her because I would probably try to fuse our bodies together.

Bitch IS the new black.

Ms. Wiig is the expert on awkward characters. One of the most annoying ones is Penelope, who has to have the last word and has to out do anybody. If she wrote this post, she would have written it yesterday, on a computer that hasn’t even been built yet and she would have done it from a virtual spaceship in cyber space. One of the most disturbing characters she plays is Junice (a favorite), where she has a massive forehead and baby doll hands. Baby. Doll. Hands. She is also brilliant as Jackie Snadd, half of the country duo that sing about Model-T cars, spaceships, jars of beer and toddlers (<— all the things that make America great).

Whatever her part is, she rocks it with a straight face, but the socially awkward/borderline/possibly from outer space characters are her forté, and we thank her for that.

 

I love the Dakota Fanning impression that Ms. Poehler does, the skits are built around a talk show that Fanning has where she is über smart, and she keeps talking down to her “regular guy” camera man, Reggie. Another child part she gets is as Rick’s step daughter, which could be the most annoying yet endearing kid in the world. Sometimes, she does an entire sketch on one leg – jealous?  And like Ms.Fey, she was a great anchor for Weekend Update. I love her Sarah Palin rap, she IS an animal and also, bigger than you. Her Hillary is also spot on, she balances the controlled politeness with suppressed, homicidal rage. Well done.

Also, I wish I could go to dinner parties chez Poehler & Arnett. That would be epic.

I think my absolute favorite character that Ms. Rudolph played was as the singer for “Gays in Space”. According to Marple, that is probably what Lady Gaga will turn into in about 10 years, and I have to agree.  She is also brilliant in the sketches where she plays a super trendy art lady, with impossible furniture. Her Donatella Versace impression is ridiculously funny, she does the blissfully unaware of her own weirdness thing really well, and brings it out in other sketches (that mostly depict Europeans).

On her first show, let a “fuck” slip, and then recovered right away. I was impressed, and also became a fan of that particular sketch. I too want to wear cut off jeans and throw ashtrays everywhere. Her character Tina Tina Chenouse sells improved items, such as door bells and car horns featuring her own voice instead of the usual beep (why not, she’s an entrepreneur, whaaa…?). She is also in a lot of digital shorts, my favorite is as Samberg’s girlfriend who tries to convince him that his Dad is actually a phone.

So, in conclusion: SNL women of comedy show? Yes please.

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Mariah.

OH MARIAH! You amuse me. I loved you so much when I was in the third grade, I really did. And I would be lying if I said that one of my favorite moments of all time was when my girlfriends and I all broke out into a BEAUTIFUL rendition of “Without You” over a box of wine. This is my tribute to you, because it’s Saturday and I feel like this weekend I will channel your spirit. So I’ll probably force Marple to drink lots of fake champagne and run on a treadmill in high heels with me.

  • Your album covers are individual works of art, these are my top 5:

  • Lyrics are always important, and while Britney is still the master rhymer (stutter/butter – brilliant), your lyrics are also little gems of joy

“Oh baby I’ve got a dependency
Always strung out for another taste of your honey”

“Lucius delight
When you’re immersed in my ocean of love
Coming on strong
Baby I’ve been waiting so long
Revel inside my paradise”

“I didn’t mean to turn you on
Oh I didn’t mean to turn you on”

“Got you all fired up, with your Napoleon complex,
Seein’ right through you like you’re bathin’ in Windex”

  • SCANDALS! You know them well and share them with the world because you are a true entertainer.

Just appearing in Glitter should count, if you’ve seen it you know why. Then the sexual revolution after you got rid of your controlling husband, Mr. Mottola. You did it before Britney, Christina and Miley (just wait, it’s going to spin out of control). All of your clothing choices speak for themselves. The breakdowns, the fall. And then the return! The new and younger husband, Mr. Nick Cannon that you married ALL OF A SUDDEN! Take the world by storm, cougar lady. And now picking fights with Eminem and going ugly face in Precious. I tip my sparkly hat to you.

  • Finally, your music videos. The outfits. The situations. The supporting characters. The shoes. THE HAIR.

&

Heartbreaker

Obsessed

Up Out My Face

Honey

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5 Reasons to Love Portia de Rossi

1) She played Lindsay Bluth in Arrested Development


Her chicken dance is my favorite.

2) Her apology for marrying Ellen DeGeneres


Brilliant. That poor dog.

3) She was in a little movie called Scream 2

LOOK AT THOSE EYEBROWS!

4) She is clearly in charge.

Nell Porter on Ally Mcbeal was way more interesting than most of the women on that show, especially Ally.
And Veronica Palmer from Better Off Ted will kick your ass if she needs to, or if she has nothing better to do.

5)She’s fuckin Austrailian

Like you need another reason.

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Molotov Cockteach, Sex Coach.

Molotov Cockteach is our sex therapist extrodinaire, guiding us through the jungle of dating, sex and general debauchery.

She’s a no-nonsense lady with strong opinions and thighs of steel. We don’t always follow her advice (especially when it involves leaving the couch) but we usually know that we should.

1) Are things like socks + sandals ok as deal breakers, even if it’s just a one night stand?

Definitely! No woman, or man, should have to endure the psychological aftermath of such a thing. Especially if the one night stand in particular is naked with ONLY socks + sandals. Punch him in the face for being insulted like that and run while there’s still time.

2) When is it ok to sleep with someone just because they look like a fictional character you fancy?

I don’t get it, why wouldn’t it be ok? I would do The Riddler any day of the week, even if he does look like one of the Weasley bros occasionally. This philosophy might not always be appropriate, but what the heck. It’s just sex. Fuck the Penguin if you feel like it, just don’t do it in public. Again, psychological aftermath. Brr!

3) What’s the best way to get rid of a hangover? Sex or food?

Food sex? Personally, I do it with a bottle of vodka, but I think the best order is to have sex, and then eat. And then feed each other, and have sex again. In the kitchen, while eating, perhaps?

4) Is bad to not sleep with people because they don’t resemble the fictional characters you fancy?

I sense a bit of a cartoon-hangup here. And no. Not if you don’t want to be one of the sad, sad people who sits at home with cats and a bottle of wine watching too much TV. If it’s so bad, get the first guy you see a mask and/or a costume of preferred fictional character and GET ON WITH IT!

 

5) I had one more question, but then I had sex, and I forgot it. Does sex cause memory loss?

No. Sex does not cause memory loss. The alcohol and drugs you took last night, that made you have sex, caused the memory loss. And trust me, you really don’t want to remember.

Send Molotov your own questions here!

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Lady Fucking Gaga

 

I love Lady Gaga. That’ll come as no surprise to anyone that knows me. However, if you had met me about 5-6 years ago you’d probably be blown away. See, I used to be pretty anti pop music. God knows why, but I suspect it had something to do with me being a pretentious indie kid.

Luckily I’ve since seen the error of my ways and accepted pop music as the brilliant thing it is. But being a former music snob makes me realise that pop has, in a way, lost its magic. After all, it’s not for no reason that tons of songs have been written bemoaning the current state of it.

This is where Our Lady of Pop comes in. Because, at least in my eyes (or ears as it might be) she’s managed to refresh the idea of what pop music is. And in the process she’s managed to churn out some proper choons.

But the thing that gets me most about Lady Gaga is how she’s wielded her image like a sword. Creating this amazing persona that’s not only in fashion, but that’s also a representation of female empowerment. Her public persona is that of a highly sexualised woman, instead of simply a sex symbol; an object to be treasured and lusted after. I think this is what impresses me the most about her. How she, in the way she dresses and appears, is nothing if not sexy, but still in a way that strikes me as being entirely for her (even if it does, of course, attract media attention).

Because, like it or not, she’s a woman who dares to leave the house without trousers on. And through her daring and sexually charged sartorial choices she’s managed to garner an attention that is not completely based on her as a sexual object.

This, exactly this, is what I love most about fashion; that the way we dress can give us back the control over how our bodies are viewed. I feel that fashion, especially in the past couple of years, have fallen much more into the hands of the wearer. Probably a lot thanks to the fashion blogger revolution. But the point I’m trying to get at is that we are no longer, and haven’t been for a while, dressing for the opposite sex. We’re dressing because it’s fun, and if we are dressing for anyone, it’s for our female peers. And Lady Gaga is a part of this.

Lady Gaga gets away with wearing leotards and crazy hats. Not just because she’s Lady fucking Gaga, but also because our views have shifted. Things like not wearing trousers, or baring your midriff, or even wearing crazy lacy unitards are no longer necessarily a sign that you’re selling out to the slobbering masses. It’s a fashion fucking statement.

Love,
Marple, raising her glass to Lady Gaga.

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