I got spectacularly drunk this weekend, which in my case means that all of my emotions got amplified and my hand gestures where very flamboyant. This prompted my boyfriend to rename me Joan Collins, and yes, from what I remember, I was Joan Collins drunk. What does that mean, do you ask? Let me elaborate, and include some more types. I’m nice like that.
Joan Collins Drunk
You will recognize a Joan Collins by his or her wild arm gestures and high volume. They will be very happy to be intoxicated, finding everything to be delightful and fabulous. And of course, they are completely unaware that they are this drunk, and telling them won’t do any good. There is always a risk that you will get a martini thrown in your face if they are angered. Just make sure they don’t smear their red lipstick, and everything will be fine.
It Girl Drunk
The It Girl Drunk will act like Britney circa 2007, or Lindsay Lohan after Mean Girls. They will feel entitled to everything, anything and anyone- so watch out. Material things are both vitally important and completely meaningless at the same time, which means they will laugh at your purse from last season, but they will not care when they spill/vomit/lose their designer shoes/purse/sunglasses/skirt. Also, they have a tendency to wear tights as pants. The horror.
I’m on Cops Drunk
(a.k.a Hillbilly Drunk)
This Drunk is very easy to spot because they might have cameras and cops following them, or are under the illusion that they do. They are probably also on crystal meth and may be wearing overalls or just a massive, stained t-shirt.
This Drunk is easy to spot because they will usually be covered in face/body paint or various fluids. They might also be chanting some sort of team spirit chant (I don’t even know), or claiming that their college “rules”. They will also probably sex, drink and eat anything or anyone for free or for beads. They also come equipped with disposable cups, beer bongs, ping pong rackets and the occasional STD.
You will find the Sports Drunk in a venue showing some type of athletic game. Their mood can go from uncontrollable joy (their team is winning) to complete misery mixed with rage (their team is loosing). Punches are known to be thrown at the drop of a hat, so just watch your face and drink as much beer as you can.
The Drunk Dialer
This Drunk could be any one of us, as long as there is a phone (or Facebook or email) nearby and we have something or someone on our mind. There are very, very, very few times when this is a good idea. This Drunk should be avoided, whether you are turning into them or they are calling you up. Remember: you have NO obligation to return a drunk dial, that is the only good aspect of it. That and the endless mocking you are entitled to.
The Intervention Drunk